I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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