I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
