There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.