you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.