I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We got so high we made milksteak
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.