rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
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We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
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One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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