Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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