I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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