I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
