I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
