I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
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Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
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I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize