we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
