I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
