he told me I talked like a deaf person
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
