I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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