Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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