So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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