based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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