The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
