It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
