u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
