Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
