I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Life without a bra equals bliss.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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