I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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