so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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