Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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