ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
