True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
