I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
