I smell stomach acid.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
