either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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