I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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