my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
