i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
