we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
