i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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