I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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