He had one of those small greek statue penises
I am midnight drunk by noon
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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