I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
