I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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no more duck duck goose at the bar
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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