There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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