im drinking this country out of the recession.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
