Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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