I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I need a beard to bite.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
