Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
