It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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