the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
