and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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