Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
