so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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