Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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