nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Randomize
