Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
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He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
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I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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